I Can’t Afford to Not Talk about Money

May 2017 Monthly Money Check-in

Last week I surprised my Peace Corps host mom, showed up at her door after 7 years. After she screamed and we hugged, she said, “The taxi driver didn’t charge you too much, did he?”

They talk about money in Paraguay. If you give someone a gift, they might ask you how much you paid for it, then tell you that you paid too much, and you should have gone over to Fulana’s, where you could have gotten it cheaper.

As an American, I just shake my head. But I wonder: What might we gain by talking about money? Information. People living in poverty can’t afford to be coy about shit. If you know a cheaper price, you’d better come out with it. With your friends and family, you’re not going to let them get ripped off. In a world of a safety nets worn thin, a world I witnessed for two years with a bungee cord still tethering me to the safety of America, it seems to me like talking about money is how you exchange the power that is knowledge, among people who otherwise feel powerless against police who want bribes, politicians who eat the money for national projects before they’re complete, and global forces that toss around their fates.

I’d forgotten how hard my host mom works to spend the least amount possible. I wanted a shirt, and she took me around to about eight different stalls to see if they had the same one at a cheaper price. We ended up buying it at the first place, but it was worth it to search.

So now I’m straight from backpacking South America to a surprise work conference in New York City. If I were coming straight from Seattle, I’d have my best dress, that suit I bought for a job interview, and all my makeup. Instead, I’m buying it all over. I’m going to meet so many people I want to impress: my editor at The New York Times, my agent, a bestselling author who hired me as a contributor to his blog, and others I want to partner with. I want to look like a boss ass bitch.

I have a $1,900 buffer between me and my Fuck Off Fund right now. Razor fucking thin, considering I need to get back to Seattle, find an apartment, pay first, last, and deposit, and buy any furniture I think I’ll need. I feel like every breath is $5, in New York. I feel that push when I have money, to get it away from me. To spend it all. I don’t know why. It’s like I’m more comfortable once I’m already broke, then when I’m just waiting to go broke.

I’ve been failing, failing, failing, and i have to figure out why. So I think I need to get financially naked in front of you, as Joe from Stacking Benjamins put it. Because hiding is not working. Being coy is not working. At the rate I’m spending, I can’t afford to be a writer and a traveler. Unless I do something radical, I’m going to end back in the bankrupt nightmare where I’ve been, instead of going toward my dreams. So here goes.

The good:

Retirement

I almost have $50,000 in my IRA. I started early and, after interviewing a 72-year-old who ran out of money, which scared the shit out of me, I’ve made retirement a priority. My goal is to have $50,000 by my 35th birthday in July. I’m only $700 short.

Fuck Off Fund

My FoF is intact, for now. I consider $10,000 a good number for me to be able to walk away from any situation.

Debt:

Paid off in 2012.

The Bad:

My net worth has been floundering for a while. Overall if you look at my progress since 2014, I’m not increasing how much money I have.

The ugly:

I’m living way outside of my means, spending insanely. This is my shame: That I make enough to save, but I’m too immature, financially traumatized, or something, which keeps me swiping, swiping, swiping my card until I run out of money.

I did have to pay $3,400 in taxes last month, so that’s included here. But still, the green line needs to go above the red line.

Money Check-In

1. How I’m feeling about money this month: Getting on my shit
2. Checking account over $500: No, not my personal account
3. Biggest expense this month: Getting ready for the New York Trip
4. Expected to save this month: $0. On pause.
5. Did save this month: $0
6. Saved at least 10% of income: Nope
7. Made a budget for next month and reviewed my bank statement? Yep
8. Donated to the Fuck This Fund: Yes, donated to a family in need
9. Best thing I did for my money last month: Started doing my daily money check in.
10. Most important money task for next month: Start tracking and displaying money

I feel better.

Join us on the Facebook group Fuck Off Funders if you need to make your own money confessions or get support.