“Amazon Will Fuck Your Budget Up.”

July 2017 Monthly Money Check-in

I thought I would do better, if people were watching. As it turns out, not so much. I’m like, Do I have to keep telling people?

“Ladies, I’m not doing well,” I said to the faces of my mom and sister, cuddled into the screen on my phone. “I don’t know what to do.”

They tried to talk me through the numbers. I picked up the history of my month like goo. How can anyone track this stuff? It falls through your fingers too easily.

“Your apartment is $795,” my mom says. “Where is your money going?”

“I don’t know,” I say like a little girl whose mouth is covered in chocolate, when asked where the brownies went. “I guess I’ve been ordering some stuff on Amazon for my place.”

“Ooh,” my sister says. “Amazon will fuck your budget up.”

When I say I have a budget, here’s what I mean: I add up the numbers in Excel, then I add on how much I’m usually wrong by (about 25% over estimate.) Then I look at how much I’ll likely spend that month. I’ll have no idea how I’m going to bridge the gap between what I think I’ll spend and what I think I’ll earn. Then I just kind of drift away and start living life. If I want a $40 drill, and I have more than $40 in my bank account, I buy the drill. If, five days later, I go to check out at QFC, and my debit card gets declined, that is the time at which I realize I did not have money for the drill.

The Tale of the $100 Evening

I started out this month saying Ok, July 1, we’re going to not spend anything. I had previously agreed to go to a soccer game with my friend Liz, forgetting to ask how much tickets cost. That turned out to be $50.

To save money and enjoy the sunshine, I was going to walk there. On the way I realized the battery in my camera was dead, and essentially all I had was a two-pound brick bouncing against my hip as I walked. It was already time to meet at the bar by the stadium, so I bought time by getting an Uber to drive me to my house to drop off my camera, and then take me to the place I had to meet my friends.

I had stuffed myself with pasta so I wouldn’t be tempted to eat at the restaurant. Everyone else’s food did look good, but I just got a beer. When Liz finished her tacos, she asked me if I wanted her rice and beans. I did.

At the game, someone bought a round of beer. The quantity and cost of purchases starts to fade from here. There was another bar, a restaurant. The shoveling of some kind of beef and rice bowl, for which I assume I paid, into my mouth. More beer. An Uber, I recall slightly, home.

It was a really fun night out. The guilt welled up, but it seemed like I was part of a wave over which I had little control. I didn’t want to do what I should have done, which is stop the whole group to say, “Hey, actually, can we hit up the grocery store and chill at someone’s house?”

Yes, hanging out at home is fun. But bopping around town buying food and drinks, giving yourself some willing suspension of guilt, feels good.

How does it feel, today, after I realize I spent $58 + the $50 for the ticket?

I wish I felt worse. I just feel like myself. I don’t feel anything until I feel desperation.

Here’s what the last three days have looked like:

So, today, the day that I sit down to do my budget for July, I already have $451 on the books. Nice.

So I make the budget. Even if all my clients who are supposed to pay actually pay this month, I’ll still be $1,400 short. (Last month I got a check for a invoice from six months ago.)

This is where I usually stop. I know I should cancel the camping trip, but I’m not going to. It’s my best friend’s daughter’s second birthday. Maybe I shouldn’t spend any money on my birthday. I could do that. I could try to do the camping trip for $50. You know what, I’m just not going to pay that medical bill again this month. Shit, I just remembered I owe my sister $118. I take retirement off the list one more month.

I’m tempted also to take off the extra 25% off that I add. What if this month I decided to really stick to my budget? I don’t have room for it. I would just have the $100 a week of wiggle room?

How do you know, though, what expenses are going to come through??? I feel like I’m being asked to predict the future.

Ok. Now I have $190 wiggle room. I’m going to plan $100 for surprises, and $90 to retirement.

I just went to write those in my budget, and when I had to make a category for them, I ended up on “Taking Care of Myself.” Why did taking care of me have to come at the end of my budget instead of at the beginning?

Oh wait, my formula was wrong. I don’t have that money. I guess taking care of my future self falls off the table again.

What I Didn’t Know About Budgets

I recently heard Dave Ramsey say that you’re supposed to mess up on a budget. You’re not going to get it right the first few months. He talked about budgeting like it was a skill. I’ve tried to think about that.

So, I have to be ready for failure.

I’m not calling it a Budget again, because that word sounds like some kind of adult diaper. It’s negative, and makes me feel the restrictions of what I can’t have. I like Money Plan. It’s positive, and reminds me where I’m headed, what I’m choosing instead of the other stuff.

Here it is:

I realized I need to schedule $1,000 of work a week to make it in the future. Not to live, but to live like I like to live. A grand a week in blog posts, articles, and graphic design is not easy.

I have Amazon blocked again using the Freedom app, so I can only go on at noon. That way, I don’t order whatever item pops into my head like Amazon is a freaking genie.

Here are the charts:

Money Check-In

1. How I’m feeling about money this month: A little better than totally terrible
2. Checking account over $500: Negative. I have twelve more dollars in there than what my health insurance is. Will be automatically deducted this week.
3. Biggest expense this month: My intolerance for saying no
4. Expected to save this month: $0. On pause.
5. Did save this month: $0
6. Saved at least 10% of income: Nope
7. Made a budget for next month and reviewed my bank statement? Yes!
8. Donated to the Fuck This Fund: No
9. Best thing I did for my money last month: Made a balanced Money Plan
10. Most important money task for next month: Keep to the mother effing Money Plan.

I feel better.

Join us on the Facebook group Fuck Off Funders if you need to make your own money confessions or get support.